To talk about abuse can only come from my experience here. I am going to share with you what I have learned from my experiences as well as the observation of others, but I can no way profess to be an expert. However, there are some general lessons from abuse that I will share with all of you, and yes there is a way out of this "hell hole".
For me this began early in life under the disguise of parental guidance. Nothing wrong with that scenario except for me, I took it too the extreme. Upon looking back with the denial removed, abuse did not begin as abuse, but more as a control. The control was parental. And nothing wrong with this picture either. Parents are and should always be in charge of children. In my parents belief it was always that they were in complete charge. Freedom was always there until it was abused. As the second child in the family, I was the peace maker. The intuition was already present, but not recognized by any of my family members. That subject of my intuitive talent surfaced later, and only after I had long reached adulthood. For me, it was a survival instinctive talent of mine. When tempers were getting out of control, I could tell that the someone having the anger was getting ready to blow, and I would ease out of the situation or do something to please to keep myself out of trouble. I cannot tell you how many times, I was able to avoid some catastrophes, but that served as a talent on mine. My sister could walk into a trap with her eyes opened, and suffered many hardships as a result. Spiritually what was I learning? That I could resolve issues by solving them myself. I was appeasing others to keep the peace. Mistake number one here. None of us are in charge, and certainly not me, the child. It became over time a normal behavior for me to "fix" rather than solve. This was what people did. Some one would throw a fit, pitch a temper tantrum, and then we would all fix it one way or another, and silently emotionally stuff it as if it did not exist. Temper when not checked becomes like an erupting volcano. The volcano doesn't go away it lies dormant for a while and then blows again, and again, and again. The second problem that is developed within the family of origin is that we repeat the way we lived, or the way that we were taught. It becomes the normal. This is what people do.
Probably the abuse occurred at first with the Grandmother. Looking back, I suspect that she was bi-polar as her mood swings were off the wall. And due to the war, my sister and I spent many days with her without protection of our Mother. It was apparent to me that my grandmother and grandfather coexisted. During those times women were unable to hold property, could not vote, and pretty much confined to the financial whims of the father or man of the house. Yes, it is true she had a temper and would sometimes go into a rage for days, three was the usual number of my memory, but we did not know her story either. It was stuffed. So I will reveal what I later learned about her. She lost her own father in a bar poker game. I suspect, but I was not told, that drinking had been involved. I can only imagine how frustrating it was during this time frame for a mother to raise children without any financial support or the ability to earn a living. This I suspect was my great grandmother's cross to bear. My grandmother once mentioned that after 15 minutes of the marriage, she knew that she had married the wrong man. I suspect my grandfather was either drunk or had been drinking. The kiss of death for a woman that grew up with alcoholic abuse, and no father at the age of 13. She probably felt she was jumping back into the same problem that she left once she had the experience of drunken behavior from her new husband. She too was stuck, or so she believed. Then she loses two children due to illness and injury and once again stuffs the emotion, and the anger continues to surface upon the grandchildren when we accidentally got into the way. Never was a remedy thought to exist. So the solution became my mantra through the early part of my life which was stuff and fix, stuff the emotion and fix it by taking the blame or making others happy. I never saw the train wreck coming. Of course I would marry and let this pattern of behavior repeat itself. It started just like childhood, critical little remarks, taking inventory, laughing at, rather than with, and then eventually escalating to just pure anger and ugly remarks. Are any of these scenarios familiar to you?
Now for the solution. Are you the victim or are you the perpetrator? It takes the two to create this mess of an energy. For the victim, once the denial has been lifted your part in this mess is to leave and quite stirring the pot of resentments. This is the way I, the victim, looked at my part and was able to forgive. It took from childhood to adulthood for me to see my part. I had never stood up to the perpetrator. I had always slithered off, had a glass of wine, and cried, "look what they did"! I finally began to understand that this thumping upon one another either with fist or with tongue had been going on for centuries or lifetimes. It was up to me to see that this had been passed down from, as the Bible says, father to son. I was able to see the insanity that this horror show had not just started in this lifetime. For that reason alone I was able to understand that all of us were part of the problem. I had to stop my part in the cycle and forgive. The same is true of the perpetrator. But here lies the main difference. He/She must want to stop and ask their Higher Power for help. Hopefully it will lead them to counseling and day by day they too can recovery. Anger is insidious. It creates a dis ease (disease) within us all. So to prevent cancer, heart problems, many other internal diseases learn the art of forgiveness, and get onto the path of wellness and onward to recovery. Stop this karmic cycle!
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