Abuse Can Block Us All

To talk about abuse can only come from my experience here.  I am going to share with you what I have learned from my experiences as well as the observation of others, but I can no way profess to be an expert.  However, there are some general lessons from abuse that I will share with all of you, and yes there is a way out of this "hell hole". 

For me this began early in life under the disguise of parental guidance.   Nothing wrong with that scenario except for me, I took it too the extreme.    Upon looking back with the denial removed, abuse did not begin  as abuse, but more as a control.  The control was parental.   And nothing wrong with this picture either.  Parents are and should always be in charge of children.  In my parents belief it was always that they were in complete charge.  Freedom was always there until it was abused.     As the second child in the family, I was the peace maker.  The intuition was already present, but not recognized by any of my family members.  That subject  of my intuitive talent surfaced later, and only after I had long reached adulthood.  For me, it was a survival instinctive talent of mine.  When tempers were getting out of control,  I could tell that the someone having the anger was getting ready to blow, and I would ease out of the situation or do something to please to keep myself out of trouble.   I cannot tell you how many times, I was able to avoid some catastrophes, but that served as a talent on mine.  My sister could walk into a trap with her eyes opened, and suffered many hardships as a result.    Spiritually what was I learning?  That I could resolve issues by solving them myself.  I was appeasing others to keep the peace.  Mistake number one here.  None of us are in charge, and certainly not me, the child.   It became over time a normal behavior for me to "fix" rather than solve.  This was what people did.  Some one would throw a fit, pitch a temper tantrum, and then we would all fix it one way or another, and silently emotionally stuff it as if it did not exist.   Temper when not checked becomes like an erupting volcano.   The volcano doesn't go away it lies dormant for a while and then blows again, and again, and again.   The second problem that is developed within the family of origin is that we repeat the way we lived, or the way that we were taught.   It becomes the normal.  This is what people do.

Probably the abuse occurred at first with the Grandmother. Looking back, I suspect that she was bi-polar as her mood swings were off the wall.  And due to the war, my sister and I spent many days with her without protection of  our Mother.  It was apparent to me that my grandmother and grandfather coexisted.  During those times women were unable to hold property, could not vote, and pretty much confined to the financial whims of the father or man of the house.   Yes, it is true she had a temper and would sometimes go into a rage for days, three was the usual number of my memory, but we did not know her story either.  It was stuffed.   So I will reveal what I later learned about her.  She lost her own father in a bar poker game.  I suspect, but I was not told, that drinking had been involved.  I can only imagine how frustrating it was during this time frame for a mother to raise children without any financial support or the ability to earn a living.  This I suspect was my great grandmother's cross to bear.   My grandmother once mentioned that after 15 minutes of the marriage, she knew that she had married the wrong man.  I suspect my grandfather was either drunk or had been drinking.  The kiss of death for a woman that grew up with alcoholic abuse, and no father at the age of 13.   She probably felt she was jumping back into the same problem that she left once she had the experience of drunken behavior from her new husband.   She too was stuck, or so she believed.  Then she loses two children due to illness and injury and once again stuffs the emotion, and the anger continues to surface upon the grandchildren when we accidentally got into the way.   Never was a remedy thought to exist.  So the solution became my mantra through the early part of my life which was stuff and fix, stuff the emotion and fix it by taking the blame or making others happy.   I never saw the train wreck coming.   Of course I would marry and let this pattern of behavior repeat itself.   It started just like childhood, critical little remarks, taking inventory, laughing at, rather than with, and then eventually escalating to just pure anger and ugly remarks.  Are any of these scenarios familiar to you?  

Now for the solution.  Are you the victim or are you the perpetrator?  It takes the two to create this mess of an energy.   For the victim,  once the denial has been lifted your part in this mess is to leave and quite stirring the pot of resentments.  This is the way  I, the victim, looked at my part and was able to forgive.  It took from childhood to adulthood for me to see my part.  I had never stood up to the perpetrator.  I had always slithered off, had a glass of wine, and cried,  "look what they did"!   I finally began to understand that this thumping upon one another either with fist or with tongue had been going on for centuries or lifetimes.   It was up to me to see that this had been passed down from, as the Bible says,  father to son.   I was able to see the insanity that this horror show had not just started in this lifetime.  For that reason alone I was able to understand that all of us were part of the problem.  I had to stop my part in the cycle and forgive.    The same is true of the perpetrator.  But here lies the main difference.  He/She must want to stop and ask their Higher Power for help.  Hopefully it will lead them to counseling and day by day they too can recovery.  Anger is insidious.  It creates a  dis ease (disease) within us all.   So to prevent cancer, heart problems, many other internal diseases learn the art of forgiveness, and get onto the path of wellness and onward to recovery.  Stop this karmic cycle!

 

You Have Choice

Because many of us were taught that the God of our understanding was in control, we all forgot the second half of the sentence which was we have choice.  Understand here that  when first entering life as an infant, it doesn't probably feel much like we have a choice because we have been thrust into a family of our choosing that may or may not take very good care of us.  For me, I think of the birth effect as a pretty frightening effect.   I can only imagine that upon waking up and realizing on a soul level that I have chosen to visit earth life is a pretty frightening experience.  We do have soul guides as I have been told.   I was often told that there is a period of time at birth that many souls choose not to remain.  We call this "crib birth"  a sudden death syndrome that no one really knows the cause.   I often muse that the birth is the most frightening experience of all while death can be a sudden experience of jubilation.  That is.....if we have done life to the best of our experience.  

The human condition is to experience life with "horse blinders" so that often or early in life we haven't a clue.  This was probably a first hand experience for all of us was the reality that we truly were not in control.   Upon observing infants, I often watch them gaze at an empty room with amusement as if they are being entertained.   That my friends is what I call their guides guiding this soul with their protection.  How often have we heard of children with their imaginary friends?   They are there.  Of course  many of us were told to believe that this really didn't exist, and so the outcome was a first at teaching children to turn the God Energy off as it really doesn't exist.  How confusing to us all....... I still remember visiting with my spiritual Guides as a young child, and felt totally at ease with the complete session.    I never told my parents.  By that time, I had already learned to keep these secrets to myself.    It was not until early adulthood was I able to put a name on this whole experience.  I was highly intuitive, and receiving beneficial messages of love and comfort. 

Now back to choice.....The Universe does not tell us what to do.  That would be like a type of karmic interference.  And believe you me, spiritual side is under the same set of guide lines as we are here on earth.  The difference is that they can send ideas upon which to act or not.  It is up to us to make the decision.  Haven't you seen two scientist on either side of the world with the same invention?  That is exactly what has happened.  Now, more than ever, we are being given messages and we all have the choice to either act or not act. 

Many times people want to know if this or that is a good idea.  My answer is usually the same.  If this is something you truly want to do then do it, but do not stand wishy washy about making up your mind.    Once you decide to act than do so with the idea of being successful.  Never doubt yourself continue on.....Let the Universe help you out.   Most people slow down their own success by not being able to believe that with God's positive energy all things are possible.   Too many times, they are stopped because others told them "it wouldn't work".  Did they receive the same message?   I think not. 

Examples of this can be found by studying the success of Henry Ford, Tesla, Edison, Col. Sanders, Wayne Dyer, John Bradshaw, and many, many, others.  Understand this.  If you believe you can, you can.  If you believe you can't, you can't.  What is your choice here?

Your Choice: Chaos or Serenity

As a child I always thought that God was watching every move I made.   To the extent, that I thought that it was his anger returning to me to teach me a lesson.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I have created my own mess time after time, by using erroneous choices,  and it is not until much later in life do I understand this gift of choice from the God of my understanding is what life is all about.  Yes, we have a certain path that we have chosen to march down in order to evolve, but the choices that we make either will keep us bogged down or help us to find a smoother path.  It is clearly up to us. 

God is not man, but pure energy that is around us at all times.  This energy serves as protection and help always.  But always we have choice to use this energy or not.  Awareness grows the more we all learn that we are not in charge, but that our thoughts create this world of chaos, and the only solution is to learn how to work within the framework of God's laws of  love.  As we navigate through life we learn hopefully how to change.  These little chaotic lessons of confusion, argument, attracting the wrong people will continue to cycle around us until we wake up and take a better choice.  These are not punishments sent by God, but actually sent by us with our wrong thinking and wrong actions to solutions.  Change takes time here to learn this simple fact.  But hey, if you like chaos jump in and go for it this lifetime or more...Take your time. 

My truth here, we reincarnate with the same bunch of souls until the lessons are learned.  We even choose our parents as they too have been rolling through the centuries of this cycle of lives until we get it.  God doesn't particularly care how long it takes for us to learn whatever it is that we need to learn, so keep doing the same insanity if you happen to be happy with your life.   But understand there is a solution to this calamity if you will work on finding your answers in solving your own problems.

  When you do harm to others you are actually harming yourself.  Because the chaos returns always to the sender.  Much of this chaos is from faulty thinking on our parts.  Trouble first begins with the thought from within followed by the result or the reaction for us to see.    Here we are in the Aquarian Age and I have been saying all along the energy is hotter and faster.  Another spiritual law here which happens to be the law of cause and effect.  What we think about will eventually manifest in our lifestyle.  Don't attempt to judge others.  Given the same set of circumstances that you are busy judging you might not do as well as the soul you are criticizing.   It is not a case of I know more, it is simply I cannot solve any one's problems, but my own.   

Past Lessons .....Learning to Do the Next Right Thing

Continuing on lessons from my childhood.

Mother was always the one to call when a catastrophe occurred.  I  remember the phone ringing and upon my awakening realizing that Mother was gone.  This particular phone call dealt with the death of a friend, and in those days there was no such thing as EMS or  emergency vehicles that dealt much with sickness.  Even the family doctors still made house calls.

Mother arrived at this house only to have to pronounce death of the husband who had apparently died of a heart attack.  It was she that consoled the wife, and like Mother was she took charge of the household and put it in order so that visitors could pay their respects.  The husband was a well know physician in Fort Worth, and now the wife was a young widow with four young children.  Women had not yet started working.  Yes, some jobs were available to women, but understand here no such thing as equal opportunity.  Mother did not stop with her  help.  The house was cleaned, food was prepared for the little family, and visitors were received.  The show went on, and Mother never did complain.  Often during those early years, I remember the baby, being at our house, and Mother having the patience for childcare.  That was a monumental task for her as she was not particularly crazy about keeping kids.  But she always "rose to the occasion', jumped into the solution and never looked back.   Even years later she gave the car that my sister and I drove in college to the youngest Lawson children.  That Renault 4 cv rode many miles before it finished, and I often have a smile if ever one still passes by.

Mother had experienced the death of two brothers when she was at the age of 12/13 years of age.  These two events were here teacher and also this pain of loss accompanied her for the rest of her life.  The loss probably forced her to begin stuffing emotions as her family or origin did also not deal with pain in a healthy way.  With that fact in mind,  few knew how to accept pain into their life.  Left to deal with life was my mother and her younger brother of two years.   Both were to become alcoholic, and I always think of this horrific event when understanding the disease of alcohol.  All of that emotional pain with no place to put it eventually pulled the two of them down.  This event, even though I had not yet entered life always was a teacher to me when understanding family events that could or could have not had an enormous impact upon my mother and her brother as well as my grandparents, who never were compatible. 

Mother was called many times over death experiences.  Intuitively she always knew what to do.  For example the clothes of the deceased were the first to leave the house.  In  metaphysical terms it is not good to keep items of the deceased when they could in fact help someone else.   Harboring a vibration of that soul with old clothes causes for the mourner nothing more than added pain.  On an  intuitive level, Mother knew that most of the clothes had to go.   Even when working with clients today, those souls that hang on to objects, clothing, stuff in general keeps them in the mourning state, and stagnates their growth.  Within a year, the stuff should be gone.  This Mother knew, and was years ahead of herself spiritually.  She even brought me into the room when my Grandmother was dying of cancer to show me what the body was doing to shut down.  Morbid for many of you, but this spiritual gift enabled me to recognize death, not be fearful of it,  accept the fact that all of us transition into another life.  So,  put your big girl pants on and move on with it.  Learn to celebrate that the life has now moved into another dimension.  By all means celebrate the occasion as best as you can.

About 5 years after the death of Dr. Lawson Mother and I were driving home when we witnessed the oldest child of this family hit by a car.  Mother parked the car.   She told me to get home the best way I could, and left in the ambulance with Janet, the child who had been injured.   Never did she complain nor did she question what she was supposed to do, she always responded.  Spiritually, it was a training ground for me as I learned then that we always learn more about life by example.  Very important for all of us to understand here.  It is easy to tell someone how to do something, but to do whatever it takes when there is a need sets a far higher water mark.   Now me?  I was as usual very irritated that I of all people I  had to walk about 4 miles to find comfort.   I knew better than to complain here.  But this incident of my past behavior even at 12 years of age was a reminder of ego gone south when I examine my part in this story.

We were without air conditioning in those days.  In Texas summer can reach 102 degrees to 105.  Surviving in the heat  was uncomfortable during the heat of the day, but for Janet she was in a full body cast and  on her back in a hospital bed for the summer.   Wouldn't you know that my curious brain was how did she manage to go to the bathroom?  I never asked that question because of the "no talk" rules in my family.  Looking back, how stupid, but again another lesson. Selfishly on my part no concern here for this little friend of mine.  Now, the lesson.  I was to walk to Janet's house and remain for the better part of the morning and early afternoon.  Mother even stipulated how long that time period was to be for me.   Oh torture,  I had to get off my duff and help someone who I really didn't know very well.  But always one did not argue with Mother.  What did I learn from the experience?  Mother taught me how to give, when to give, and never boast about anything of these good deeds.  Simply do them even when you are not particularly happy about it. 

Today when I see children not opening the doors for elderly people, or assisting when someone drops something and needs help,  I have to think that these souls did not have my mother to lead the way. As children, we should be taught to help, even if we are griping and complaining.  As I see it, we  have become a society that fears more about being sued rather than helping someone in need.  What kind of example of love does this teach?   This reminder of Janet in the bed always brings the memory of learning to help others even when the desire was not there.  Now it is instinctive to me. 

When do you know when to give?  You give if someone ask for help.  You give if there is apparent need for help.  But you must understand that you also learn when not to give.   Do not waste your efforts upon someone who does not want help.  Sounds obvious, but you never know how often we jump into other's  lesson without first establishing if there is a need.  Learn the difference. 

Life Lessons that Continue to Hang Around Until We Wake Up

 I was born  under a cloud of  worry.  Here,  in  my  later  years  of  life,  it  is  the  primary  defect  of  character  that remains to be  a  reminder for me  to continue to accept change , and learn from my mistakes.

First grade was ever so painful for me as sitting still was not my best character trait.  To this day, I get angry when children are put into a place without windows.  Some of my best thinking was done in the "zone" of  watching what was going on outside.  I always put off doing anything and evidence of this was the one of the first spiritual lessons.  So, we were assigned a book to read and then solve the questions at the bottoms of the page.  Supplies needed to solve the questions of course were the color pencils required.  I had neglected to do this work in the classroom and  took these colorless pages home to finish.  I was loaded with pages of uncolored pictures.  Sally, the child in the book had blond hair,  Spot of course suggest a color of black and white,  and so on.  Remember, I was also a perfectionist.  It all came down to time for bed, and I had not done one ounce of work.....What to do?  Crank up the crying and pitch and moan the,  "this is too hard, I can't".  Wonderful the whole scheme worked, Mother volunteered.  (if you know anything about co-dependency you will understand this is a bad thing for a mother to do).   Mother took on the task of coloring like a 6 year old, closed the book, and returned it to me.  I did not see the work, until at school,  I decided to open this masterpiece.  .......What a nightmare, it was horrific, and furthermore Sally's hair wasn't even the right color.   What a lesson here for me.  Right then and there I learned to never let Mother touch my homework.  I would have to do it myself.   Now surely you understand here that the spiritual lesson was at work which is never have anyone do for you what you can do for yourself. 

Did this spiritual lesson present itself again to me?  Of course, over and over and over, until I learned this wonderful lesson..   It presented itself in a different ways, many years later this time when I was now the mother.   The science project was due  in school for the second grade class.  The victim here was me, now the mother, who was busy  doing lessons for my son that he refused to do.  I was clueless.  God forbid that the neighbors think my boy was stupid.  So I would show them how smart he was and complete this science project for him.   I am happy to say that I, not Scott, but I won second place in the city of Kansas City school for science.   Now really......it never dawned on me, that I was repeating the same problem with a different twist until years later when I  was working  on me.   Schools are notorious about accepting work that is clearly not done by the student.  This is another subject all to itself, but for Scott, my son it took a while for him to grow up, because I was constantly jumping into his path, and trying to solve the problems for him.  As parents we all do this at times, and believe you me, these little scenes of pain will repeat until we have the wisdom to let the soul involved solve his or her own problems.   The "catch 22"  here is that the problems not only repeat, but they intensify  until the soul wakes up and takes charge of his or her life.   Your life lessons start from the beginning and last until the end.  Maybe this little example can help you too reflect and learn about some of your mistakes of the past.

The Universe does not care how young you are to start learning.  And as always these lessons will continue for us all until we observe our crazy behavior of repeating the same old stuff over and over again.  What are you continuing to do?