Negotiating Your Way Out of Perceived Trouble

Setting rules of negotiating whether is about a work related problem or a romantic problem .  With me I was always "fighting to be right".   I often was in an argument without first realizing what the problem was or how this ever started. 

To begin, before jumping into chaos, first take a breather from the situation.  We call it HALT in recovery.  This simply stand goes like so;" Halt" when troubled and think, stop when you are  "Angry", if depressed first recognize that you could be" Lonely", or last stop getting yourself into "Trouble".  Learning to recognize that you need to halt some of your behaviors and first think is often a good suggestion here.   I usually carried my emotions like a invisible bag of rocks never realizing  that I was dragging this bag of rocks around until I usually became either, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  When this happened the emotional bag or rocks would explode and my family would run for cover or escape by leaving the house altogether.    Halting taught me to stop and think about what was bothering me before  I reacted in usually, a childish manner.  I had good reason for my anger, but the behavioral problem created by the invisible sack of rocks disabled my ability to address the problem properly and therefore solve or resolve the issue.  This is not the same thing as winning.  There is a huge difference here.  What is it then?  Allowing yourself to express your feelings without being in a crazy emotional stage or either anger turned to rage or self pity and just plain stupidity. It is not negative energy to be angry.  Anger turns negative when it is either improperly used or the anger turns into a rage which becomes toxic.   Anger is the emotional nudge telling you that something needs to be addressed.  Often these are minor situations, but here lies the problem:  what are you protecting to keep the peace at any cost?   Is it the perceived reward of sex?  Or perhaps living with a partner who in fact uses rage to get what they want? Or being afraid of losing the relationship by revealing who you are and fearing the loss of a love (that was probably not there from the very start).

When dating or even securing a new job position.  How many times to you deny problems about the relationship that you see could be forthcoming, but have not yet been revealed?   For many of us, upon  reflection of either a failed relationship or a  work related job failure we will always admit that we saw the problems early in the beginning stages.  We all admit that we knew, but all of us did not address the fear factor.  How different would the relationship be if some of these questions were ask.  Perhaps the relationship would have taken a different course.  But without asking why are you repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?   Again, choose to make better decisions and face the fear of asking first rather than finding out later.