What Can You Change?

This is one of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn.  What is my responsibility when it comes to change?  

I was like many of us are, "the armchair quarterback".  Most of us are able to look at the defects of others and offer a  simple solution either in our mind or by giving advice that was not ours to give.  It took many years for me to realize that everything that I attracted was brought to me by my own thinking.  It was all of my anger, rage, that brought people around me with the same stuff.  I could see the defect within them, but was clueless that it was me that also suffered from the same defect.  I was either the victim or the perpetrator with all of it. 

We cannot change others.  Nor can we judge them.  Each of us are on our own spiritual path with our own lessons that will be supplied by the Universe or the God Energy as I sometimes call it.  No, this energy is not a man.  If you think so, then your God is entirely too small.  It is not God in my belief that judges us, it is our own self that sees the truth when we cross over and understand that it is up to us to repair our own damage made by our own mistakes. 

Truly, if we understand that every thought, action, and prayer was answered we would have an entirely different way of dealing with problems.   Instead, we venture through life fixing others, criticizing  others and are only creating karmic damage to ourselves.  We think that if something feels good it is positive energy.  Not necessarily so.  Often when we are solving (so we think), or preventing someone else from having to suffer, we are karmically  creating our own mess and probably sending a negative charge. 

In parenting, I did not want my children to suffer consequences that were not going to be pleasant.  They would come home give me their story, and I would take charge to repair the mess.  Whoa!  This is exactly what many of us do.  First, we were not there when the incident happened.  So, we play god and think we can solve the problem.  Only God can fix the solution because only God has the omnipotent knowledge to resolve the issue.  What should have been done on my part.?   First, try something like the serenity prayer.  Second, listen to all of the facts, and third sit in the dark until the solution is given.   Whoever is involved with whatever happens are only those that can work out the mess.  Not the parent.  So, how do you prevent bad things happening to your children?  Your teach them to become responsible and to tell the truth.  That is your part of a good parent.  You cannot believe what you have not been through.   You explain to your children that their thoughts and actions create their choices through life.   Then you sit back and carefully watch the show of life unfold as they grow up.  As I understand to paraphrase what was in  the book of Proverbs the more your meddle in someone's affairs it is like grabbing a dog by the ears and creating a mess.  So, be my guest here and try something different.  Teach your children that they suffer the consequence of their actions. 


 

Negotiating Your Way Out of Perceived Trouble

Setting rules of negotiating whether is about a work related problem or a romantic problem .  With me I was always "fighting to be right".   I often was in an argument without first realizing what the problem was or how this ever started. 

To begin, before jumping into chaos, first take a breather from the situation.  We call it HALT in recovery.  This simply stand goes like so;" Halt" when troubled and think, stop when you are  "Angry", if depressed first recognize that you could be" Lonely", or last stop getting yourself into "Trouble".  Learning to recognize that you need to halt some of your behaviors and first think is often a good suggestion here.   I usually carried my emotions like a invisible bag of rocks never realizing  that I was dragging this bag of rocks around until I usually became either, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  When this happened the emotional bag or rocks would explode and my family would run for cover or escape by leaving the house altogether.    Halting taught me to stop and think about what was bothering me before  I reacted in usually, a childish manner.  I had good reason for my anger, but the behavioral problem created by the invisible sack of rocks disabled my ability to address the problem properly and therefore solve or resolve the issue.  This is not the same thing as winning.  There is a huge difference here.  What is it then?  Allowing yourself to express your feelings without being in a crazy emotional stage or either anger turned to rage or self pity and just plain stupidity. It is not negative energy to be angry.  Anger turns negative when it is either improperly used or the anger turns into a rage which becomes toxic.   Anger is the emotional nudge telling you that something needs to be addressed.  Often these are minor situations, but here lies the problem:  what are you protecting to keep the peace at any cost?   Is it the perceived reward of sex?  Or perhaps living with a partner who in fact uses rage to get what they want? Or being afraid of losing the relationship by revealing who you are and fearing the loss of a love (that was probably not there from the very start).

When dating or even securing a new job position.  How many times to you deny problems about the relationship that you see could be forthcoming, but have not yet been revealed?   For many of us, upon  reflection of either a failed relationship or a  work related job failure we will always admit that we saw the problems early in the beginning stages.  We all admit that we knew, but all of us did not address the fear factor.  How different would the relationship be if some of these questions were ask.  Perhaps the relationship would have taken a different course.  But without asking why are you repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?   Again, choose to make better decisions and face the fear of asking first rather than finding out later.