I was in my forties when my journey to find another choice began. Like all of you, I had read everything and thought that I was ready to embark upon finding my mate. These little adventures taught me about life itself and of course what I was attracting.
My first adventure was with a nice looking gentleman that turned out to have a temper from "hell". I was extremely attracted to this soul, but realized shortly in the dating cycle that if I stayed it was a matter of time before the anger turned to me. When you are in the throws of attraction every hormone available in your body is convincing you to stay. The same was true here, but my intuitiveness kicked in and encouraged me to have the courage to leave. This was not fun. Because the death of a relationship no matter how short lived it may be brings up every fear that this will never happen again. At least that was my experience. However, knowing what was around the corner with this soul kept me strong enough to close the door on this relationship before I was injured. (Attraction was, good looking and abusive)
Number two in the ," cycle of search" came with a gentle soul. He was sweet, kind, and, without energy. My memory was many evenings wondering if he would ever get off of the sofa and join the living. He contributed nothing to the relationship and that even goes for sex, so this ended rather abruptly as I gently told him that it was time for him to move on. (Attraction not emotionally available and no sex)
I had not yet become the wiser as my journey continued to look for the perfect soul or "soul mate". At this point I will confess that I do not believe in soul mates. We do not attach forever. We join with people as long as there is a lesson to be learned or shared, and when that time is over, it is time to part. For me, "til death us do part" means that when the energy is dead, it is time to leave the relationship. Number three and four both came together as a dueling duo. Both were fun to be around, both were smart, but hidden beneath the lines were addiction and emotionally unable to connect. Number three, I met at church and he was a cocaine addict as well as a dealer. Number four was an exercise nut. "control freak" extraordinaire, and both were emotionally unavailable. I turned them both down at about the same time. (attraction abusive with control, emotionally unavailable, no sex at all, and addictive disorders)
I had had three years of bad experiences and at about this time, I realized that it was me that was attracting this mess. I was devastated and knew that I had a problem. It was shortly afterward that I decided to give up alcohol and work upon myself. I knew that I had to changed but even though I thought that I had all of the answers, I was still continuing to attract the same mess. I entered the doors of recovery. I had surrendered and although I felt hopeless, I began my journey that totally changed my life.
It is said that when you begin working upon your own issues, you need a time of silence to discover who you are. I sat in the rooms of recovery for about 18 months before the "fireworks" started. Even now after 21 years of marriage, I remain steadfast to this suggestion that was given to me. It take about a minimum of 12 months to change one's vibration before any of us are able to sustain a workable relationship. Believe me, I tested this theory many times while in recovery, and it was God's Grace that kept me idle and alone. Tried as I did, no one was around. Until one evening, I realized that the man who had been sitting around me this whole time, my friend, and confidant, was to become my husband. Our agreement was simple. You use drugs marriage over, you may not take my inventory or try to change me, acceptance of who I am warts and all is imperative. It will not work if you try to change me so don't, and last allow me to worship the God of my choosing without your advice. We are still having a good time.
* I would love to hear your story if you care to share. Of course.....I will respond. Judith
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